Warning! The following may contain bad spelling, grammar, punctuation, cardboard characters, cheesy plots, offensive NSFW material, and / or puns. Reader discretion is advised.
The squirrel leapt at Tom’s face but he batted it aside with his gun hand, pinning it against the window frame. The squirrel writhed and squirmed trying to twist itself so it could sink its teeth into Tom’s flesh.
Outside the car, Freddie was twirling like a dervish, deftly avoiding the squirrels as they tried to latch on to him. More of the little beasts had appeared and were close to becoming a large enough swarm that even Freddie’s acrobatics wouldn’t stand against them.
He vaulted to the top of the car, temporarily getting away from the pack of furry marauders. He reached down on the driver’s side and grabbed the squirrel from under Tom’s gun. With a flip of the wrist the squirrel was flying away from the car. Tom raised the pistol and fired. The squirrel fell to ground and lay still.
“Drive!” Freddie called down to Tom. He flattened himself against the roof and hung on to the sides.
Tom turned over the engine and gunned it. The car sped forward. Several of the squirrels had managed to jump on the back of the car and were crawling their way towards Freddie.
“Keep it steady” Freddie called down to Tom. He spun on his stomach so he could face the squirrels. Four of them were staring at him from the back of the car. As one, they charged forward.
They were fast but Freddie was faster. Two of the squirrels went directly for his face. At the last second Freddie put his head down and the butted up against the top of his head and rebounded. The other two tried to flank him but he managed to grab them as they sprang forward.
Combining the two squirrels into one hand, he faced the remaining two as they prepared to attack. At the last second they split and each went to the side of the car nearest to them. Freddie temporarily lost sight of the squirrels as they crawled along the sides of the car. He got to his feet and balanced as the car raced forward. A large tree was coming up. Freddie took aim and pitched the two squirrels he held into the branches as the car went by.
One of the last two squirrels rushed at him the moment he was distracted by the tree. It clamped on to his leg. Freddie reached down to grab it and the other squirrel took the opportunity to jump on his back. It scrambled upwards to try and sink its teeth into Freddie’s neck. Freddie tucked and rolled off the roof, down the windshield and onto the hood of the car. He rolled over the squirrel on his back as he did so, temporarily stunning the creature. Freddie looked at Tom through the glass. “Stop the car!”
Tom slammed on the brakes. Freddie slid off the hood from forward momentum, did a roll as he fell, and landed on his feet, skidding back a few feet.
He grabbed both squirrels and tossed them to the side of the road. Instantly Tom’s door was open, he had the pistol out and shot them both.
“They’ll sleep for a while. Fortunately I use tranquilizer pellets instead of the usual slugthrowers. We should take a few to animal control and let them deal with it.”
[Editor’s note – no Death Squirrels were harmed in the writing of this narrative.]