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Marketing to Cannibals

So, the wife was watching some horror movie about a guy who kidnaps girls, kills them, and sells them as meat to cannibals.

Who comes up with these things?

In marketing, they always say you should find a need in the market and fill it. They also say you should specialize in a niche and dominate it. So, did the guy in the movie do market research and find out that cannibals don’t have enough quality cuts, so he decided to become an entrepreneur in the consumable human flesh niche?

I mean, what does his marketing look like? Does he place ads in the local paper?

Would he have headlines like these?

Tired of the Same Old Grind? Try Our “Next-Door Neighbor” Special!
Locally Sourced, Ethically Raised… (Well, Almost) – Get Your Meats Here!
We Won’t Ask Questions, You Won’t Raise Eyebrows. Discreet Cuts for Discerning Tastes.
Feeling Peckish for a Particular Body Part? We Have Everything “In Season.”
Spice Up Your Diet with Our “Free-Range” and “Grass-Fed” Selections.
Dinner Party Planning? Bulk Discounts Available. (Just Ask for “The Family Feast”).
Forget the Guilt, Embrace the Flavor. We’re Your One-Stop Butcher Shop for the Unconventional Palate.
“Mystery Meat” No More! We Label Everything Clearly. (Except the Donor, of Course).
We Believe in Sustainable Living. Every Part of the… “Humanimal” Gets Used.
Why Settle for Tofu When You Can Have the Real Deal? Indulge in the Ultimate Comfort Food.

What is his pitch like?

Feeling peckish for something a little… different? I understand that discerning tastes require a wider variety. I cater to the sophisticated gourmand who appreciates the finer points of, ahem, alternative proteins. Forget the guilt and the questionable sourcing – my ethically procured (well, ethically prepared) meats are sure to tantalize your palate and satisfy your most primal cravings.

I offer a wide range of cuts, from the melt-in-your-mouth tenderness of the “filet mignon” to the hearty, bone-in “drumsticks.” I am happy to answer any questions you might have (within reason, of course) and help you find the perfect selection for your next… gathering. Discover a whole new world of culinary delights! (We promise not to judge your… unconventional preferences.)

And then he’d get some testimonials, something like:

“Honestly, before I started shopping here, my social life was a DRAG. Dinner parties were a BORE, and forget about trying to impress a date with bland supermarket cuts. But since I found Mister X, everything’s changed! My guests RAVE about the ‘porterhouse’ (especially with a nice fava bean puree), and let’s just say, my dates are never left feeling… famished. Plus, working with Mister X is delightful! He always has a helpful suggestion, and never bats an eye at my, uh, specific requests. Top quality cuts, top quality service! 5 out of 5 stars, would recommend to a friend… discreetly, of course.” – M.D., Local Food Enthusiast

Do they have a catalog? Would their products be something like this:

The “Blunt Force Trauma” Special:

Looking for a cut that’s bursting with character? Our “Blunt Force Trauma” special is packed with flavor! This “shoulder roast” comes pre-tenderized, thanks to a unique marbling process that’s sure to leave your taste buds begging for more. Just be warned, this particular cut can be a bit… “bony.” But hey, a little extra challenge in the kitchen never hurt anyone, right? Price: Don’t worry about it, this one’s on the house. Consider it a “welcome to the family” gift! (New customers only, while supplies last.)

The world is a weird place and getting weirder by the day. I jest with the above but it wouldn’t surprise me to find some ad like this in an alternative paper somewhere.

If you’d like to support my efforts, why not buy me a chocolate chip cookie through my Ko-Fi page?

2 thoughts on “Marketing to Cannibals”

  1. I strongly recommend the movie “Eating Raoul” (1982), starring Mary Woronov, Paul Bartel, and a young Robert Beltran as Raoul.

    Also, Robert Heinlein’s “Stranger in a Strange Land” has some very interesting discussion of the ethics of cannibalism.

    1. Aye, Eating Raoul was a quirky, fun little film. In a similar vein was an episode of Tales From The Crypt (don’t remember which season) that starred Christopher Reeve (of Superman fame) as a struggling restaurant owner who finds his niche with some help from Judd Nelson.

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