“There’s something wrong with you.”

Warning! Religious topic ahead. If you want to skip this one, I’ll understand and see you tomorrow.

The sermon yesterday was all about how God speaks to you in a still small voice. You have to listen to be able to hear Him. Okay, fine, I can grok that.

He said that it is hard to hear that still small voice in today’s overcrowded noise culture. The Pastor demonstrated by turning off his microphone and speaking to someone in the first row. We were sitting in the back two rows of the church. I could just make him out but not easily. Then he turned his attention to the back two rows where we were sitting. He started saying something about how he went to Starbuck’s and picked something up, and was going to give it to anyone who wanted it.

He turned his microphone on and asked if anyone who heard him would accept his offer. I don’t drink coffee and Starbucks doesn’t have anything I want so I didn’t have any reason to respond. A lady in the row in front of us got the Starbuck’s gift card he had purchased. But I heard his offer.

Then he said something that bothered me. He isn’t the first Pastor to say something similar. What he said was “The Holy Spirit is here. If you don’t feel it, there’s something wrong with you.” For comparison, a different pastor said “The Holy Spirit is moving in this church! If the person next to you isn’t moving, check their pulse. They might be dead!”

I’m neither dead, nor is anything wrong with me. Other than I never experience the Holy Spirit’s presence in any church I attend. Maybe I just don’t know what it is I’m supposed to be experiencing. But there seems to be a whole church filled with people who acknowledge that the Holy Spirit is there. For me, it’s just a building with a guy telling me his interpretation of the Bible.

There is a saying that goes “those who dance are thought crazy by those who don’t hear the music.” If that’s true, everyone in church is dancing to some Euro-indie Viking Thresh Metal Polka that I am neither attuned to or can hear. If the rest of the church can hear it, great! More power to them. I’ll sit on the sidelines and be happy for them. But isn’t it the Pastors job to help people “tune in” to the Holy Spirit?

I, on the other hand, feel like the kid at the end of the story of the Emperor’s New Clothes. For those not familiar with the tale, two con me come to a Kingdom and convince the Emperor that they are master tailors, and they will make him the finest suit of clothes to put to shame any other Emperor. The Emperor, being a vain sort of guy, hires them. He houses them, feeds them, and pays them a vast sum of money. The con men spend their time pretending to weave cloth, cut patterns, and sew it into a outfit fit for the Emperor of Emperors. At last, they proclaim the clothes ready and go to the Emperor for a fitting. When they hold up their pretend clothing, the Emperor starts to object, saying he doesn’t see any clothing, but the con me tell him that only people of low intelligence and culture can’t see the fine clothing they have made. The Emperor doesn’t want to be thought of as unintelligent and of low culture, so he ‘ooohs’ and ‘aaaahs’ over the fine clothing.

They strip the Emperor, then ‘help’ him into the non-existent clothing. The Emperor then decides to show off his fine new clothes and parades through town naked. The con men have spread it around town that only highly intelligent and well-cultured people can see the clothes they made. Everyone in town, not wanting to be thought of as low intelligence and uncultured, praise the Emperor and his fine new clothing. Everyone except for a small boy who shouts “the Emperor ain’t got no clothes on!”

I know that the Pastors are just making general statements not directed at me personally. Still, making statements like “there’s something wrong with you” is not conducive to me wanting to attend your church anymore. Statements like that are alienating, not inclusive, which is what I always gathered the church is supposed to be. Aren’t we all supposed to be brothers and sisters in Christ? I guess that makes me the weird Uncle no one wants to sit next to at Thanksgiving dinner.

Back to hearing the still, small voice. I’ve tried to hear that voice for the last forty years. I’ve tried everything short of psychotropic drugs, excessive quantities of alcohol, or spinning around in a frenzy. I’ve prayed, meditated, fasted, worked, read the Bible, and listened and yet I don’t hear anything. I had a visiting prophet at one church tell me he had a word from God for me and the word was ‘patience’. I had to laugh. Anyone who knows me knows I have patience. Some folks have told me I have the patience of a saint. At this point I’m not even sure what I’m being patient for. Still, I wait for God to tell me what’s it all about.

At this point I can draw one of four conclusions:

1) There is no God. I’m not happy about this conclusion as I like to think that this big, amazing, utterly fascinating Universe, this amazing work of art, isn’t just here by random chance.

2) There is a God, but He doesn’t like me. I’ve done something to piss Him off, or I’m just so totally insignificant that I’m not worth his time, which is counter to what all the Pastors say in church. So, I reject this as well.

3) There is a God, He likes me, but he’s busy with more important things. Hey, I get it. It’s a BIG Universe and I’m sure there are lots of details that need to be attended to so He can keep it running. My life is mostly good so if He is busy handling more important stuff I understand.

4) There is a God, and I’m so utterly caliwandalous, God doesn’t need to talk to me because I’m doing great. He’s busy trying to wrangle all those lesser mortals and get them pointed in the right direction so that they might eventually be as caliwandalous as me. I can see that being WAY more important than having a nice chat with me over milk and cookies.

Since my ego is utterly convinced that I’m The Most Important Thing in The Universe, I’m going with option 4. But stop telling me I’m dead or that there’s something wrong with me, especially if your message is that we’re all together in the body of Christ. I find that wrong and offensive.

Here endeth the rant. You may return to your regularly scheduled Life, my Hordeling.

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