How God has been presented to me

Warning! The following is covering religion. I’m going to discuss religion for the next two days. If you want to skip these posts I’ll see you on Saturday.

Following yesterday’s post, today I’d like to delve into how God has been presented to me.

But first –

I’d like to introduce you to ….

< looks around >

Psst! Over here. Yeah, right here. That’s good.

< clears throat >

I’d like to introduce you to Gilbert. He’s a groundhog. And he sure is darn cute!

Now, he’s not really a groundhog. He’s a pan-dimensional, hyperintelligent being that is capable of doing pretty much anything you can imagine, and a whole lot more that you haven’t even begun to imagine. He just shows up this way as something that will be easy for the human mind to grasp.

Gilbert is here to offer you guidance, help keep your sprits up when times get hard, and be an all-around good guy. All he asks is that you believe in him.

There is a benefit to believing in Gilbert. People who do can eat anything and as much as they want and it won’t make them fat, unhealthy, rot their teeth, give them heart disease or diabetes, or have any other harmful effect on their person. They don’t have to pay for the food either.

People who don’t believe in Gilbert will have to buy and eat sauerkraut, and nothing else, for the rest of Eternity. They will work at totally demeaning jobs under abusive bosses just so they can afford the sauerkraut. In addition, they will have lethal, non-stop farts. I’m talking farts that can clear an entire football stadium. You will never be able to get away from the smell, you will never get used to it, or if you do, it will only get stinkier the next time you cut one loose.

Now, it’s not completely true that all Gilbert wants is for you to believe in him. You have to be a member of the Official Gilbert the Groundhog Fan Club. Plus, you have to have a copy of the Official Gilbert the Groundhog Fan Club Handbook. It has a lot of rules and regulations that you should follow, because following the rules will make Gilbert happy. (Not making Gilbert happy leads to the sauerkraut future.) There are also a lot of stories that you will likely read, misinterpret and misunderstand. That’s okay, though, because any head of a chapter of the Official Gilbert the Groundhog Fan Club will be able to correctly interpret the stories and tell you what they really mean. You might get two different interpretations from two different chapter heads (or more) but that’s okay too. They know more about these things than you do.

There are other pan-dimensional, hyperintelligent beings capable of doing anything you can imagine (and more), out there in the world, but don’t worry about them. The only one you need to pay attention to is Gilbert. All those other ones, including anyone who pays attention to them, are condemned to the sauerkraut future. We shun the offensive, smelly, sauerkraut eaters.

Now, this is going to be the most important decision you will ever make. It will effect the rest of your life. Not only that, it will effect you after you die. Forever.

Let me remind you of the consequences of making the wrong choice. You will have to buy and eat nothing but sauerkraut, forever. You will work at demeaning jobs under abusive bosses to pay for the sauerkraut, forever. You will have devastating flatulence, forever. No one will be your friend. If you are around anyone, they too will be eating sauerkraut and farting up a storm. And their stench will be different than your stench so you’ll have another stench you won’t be able to get away from. Forever.

Now if you want to make the right choice, all you have to do is stand up, raise your right hand, and say “I believe in Gilbert and I want to be a member of the Official Gilbert the Groundhog Fan Club.” If you do that, you’re in.

So, do you believe in Gilbert?

If you’re still with me, my Hordeling, and haven’t deleted me rom your reading queue, tomorrow I’ll tell you how I understand God to be. Hope to see you then.

If you’d like to support my efforts, why not buy me a chocolate chip cookie through my Ko-Fi page? https://ko-fi.com/jhusum