Many years ago, in the dawn of the Internet Age, there were these things called newsgroups. They were a sort of a forum, but more like email than a forum. There were newsgroups for anything imaginable. Crafts, food, books, movies, sports, politics, sex. Whatever you happened to be into, there was a newsgroup.
There were many ‘top level’ classifications, much like you have top level domain names (.com, .net, .org, etc.) Most of the ones I hung out in were ‘alt.’ level forums. I think the one with the funniest name went to alt.Barney.Die.Die.Die (filled with people who hated Barney The Dinosaur).
The one I spent the most time in was alt.callahans. It was dedicated to the Callahan’s Crosstime Saloon stories (https://www.amazon.com/Callahans-Crosstime-Saloon-Place-Book-ebook/dp/B004IK94VY/) penned by Spider Robinson. The main tenet of Callahan’s Place is ‘Shared joy is increased, shared pain is lessened. Thus do we refute entropy.’ If you haven’t read them yet, you should do so. Now. I’ll wait.
Why do I bring this up, you may be asking yourself. Well, my Hordeling, I was going through old papers, deciding what to keep and what to get rid of when I came across a printout of one of the posts from the alt.callahans newsgroup. Recipes were a big topic in the group and this recipe is about one of my favorite foods – brownies!
I can tell you this recipe was posted by Randy Martens, on December 4, 1996 as an early Christmas gift to the Patrons (members of the group.) He claims it as his own original recipe so I’m trusting his word on it. Oddly enough, I’ve never made these brownies but I think I’d like to try them some time. Besides, any recipe that includes reading a book as part of the preparation is fine in my book (no pun intended.) Also, I don’t believe this recipe should be lost to history so hopefully my posting it here will help preserve it. All that said, I present to you:
Quadruple Chocolate Brownies From Hell
Ingredients
Group 1
4 ounces (120 g) unsweetened chocolate
6 tablespoons (90 g) butter
Group 2
1 cup (200 g) sugar
3 eggs
3/4 cup (100 g) flour
3 tablespoons (1 jigger or 45 ml) Hiram Walker’s Swiss Chocolate Liquer
1/4 teaspoon (1.25 g) salt
Group 3
3/4 cup (150 g) semi sweet chocolate chips
1 dab (5 g) butter
Group 4
3 tablespoons (1 jigger or 45 ml) Hiram Walker’s Swiss Chocolate Liquer
1 book (200 – 500 pages) philosophy (Kierkegaard, Proust, Aristotle, or Sarte recommended)
Group 5
1 ounce (30 g) unsweetened chocolate
1/2 cup (100 g) sugar
3 tablespoons (25 g) cornstarch
1/4 cup (60 ml) boiling hot water
1/4 cup (60 ml) Hiram Walker’s Swiss Chocolate Liquer
Group 6
1 tablespoon (15 g) butter
1/8 teaspoon (625 mg) salt
Group 7
1 steel lock box
20 feet (6 meters) heavy chain
2 – 3 padlocks
Implements
1 oven with stove top
1 heavy bottomed sauce pan
1 larger pot (large enough to put the above saucepan in)
1 9″ X 9″ (23 cm X 23 cm) baking pan
1 baking rack
1 wooden spoon
1 spatula
1 cordial glass
measuring cups and spoons
Methodology
Preparation: The preparation of QCBFH should be viewed as an exercise in expression of a philosophy, as well as cooking. It is important before commencing the creation of QCBFH to be in the proper relaxed and contemplative state of mind. Zen meditation is a good choice, either that or watching a Woody Allen film festival.
1: Preheat your oven to 350 deg. F (180 deg C)
2: While the oven is preheating, heat water in the large pot on the stove top until it is simmering. Place the saucepan in the pot. Place ingredients in group 1 into the saucepan and melt them, stirring util smooth.
3: Remove the saucepan from the heat, and stir in the ingredients from group 2. Stir until they are all thoroughly combined, and the mixture has cooled somewhat. Do not discard the water in he large pan.
4: Take the items in group 3. Use the butter to butter the cake pan. Stir the chocolate chips into the mixture. The idea is that the mixture should be cool enough at this point that the chips do not melt. Set aside the wooden spoon carefully.
5: Spread the mixture in the pan, making it relatively even. Use the spatula if necessary. Place the pan in the now (hopefully) preheated oven. Set the spatula aside with the spoon.
6: Bake the brownies for 40 minutes. Do not overcook. The brownies should be dry on top and almost firm to the touch when they are done.
7: Take the ingredients in group 4. Pour the liquer into the cordial glass. Take the spoon and spatula and place them within reach. Find comfortable place to sit, take the book, and begin to read it while pondering the deeper meaning of life, the universe and chocolate, while occasionally sipping the liquer. When the powerful and delightful aroma from the oven seizes hold of your senses, and threatens to send you into chocoholic convulsions, lick the spatula and spoon clean. This should satisfy your baser urges for the moment. Try to focus on the words of wisdom in the book. This will prevent you from entering a feeding frenzy, and from suffering a burned face from trying to eat the brownies while they are still in the oven.
8: When the brownies are done, steel your nerves, and carefully remove them from the oven, and place the pan on a baking rack to cool.
9: Bring the water in the large pot to a boil. Add more water if necessary. Place the saucepan in the boiling water and put the ingredients from group 5 into it, putting in the boiling water last. Mix thoroughly. Cook this mixture, stirring constantly with the wooden spoon until it is thick ad smooth.
10: Remove the saucepan from the pot. Add the ingredients in group 6 to the saucepan. Beat the mixture well. Be cruel. Allow to cool.
11: Use the frosting (the stuff in the saucepan) to frost the brownies. Cut the brownies into squares (generally nine squares). If they are not all going to be immediately consumed, take the ingredients in group 7. Place the surviving brownies in the steel box, lock it, wrap the chains around it, and padlock it to your refrigerator (unless, of course, your bank offers the convenience of a refrigerated vault.)
WARNIG: QCBFH are extremely addictive! Consumption in excess quantities may lead to terminal acne, or death by bliss.
Enjoy!
Randy “Philosophy – A code or creed that enables you to survive when there isn’t any chocolate around” Martens
If you’d like to support my efforts, why not buy me a chocolate chip cookie through my Ko-Fi page? https://ko-fi.com/jhusum
No, I don’t believe you! Newsgroups are just myths and legends from the murky earliest days of the internet! They weren’t real! Next you’ll be telling us that climate change and the moon landings are real. This “document” that you have is obviously a forgery, designed to corrupt and deceive good, decent, hard-working American Anti-vaxxers, and draw them down into the morass of degenerate, depraved liberalism!
Besides, I happen to know that if this so-called cookie recipe actually existed, you would weigh at least 50 pounds more than you actually do.
Although the definition of philosophy is pretty accurate.